Blessings And Blunders

Wedding Adventures! YES I am a married woman!!!!

2010-12-29T17:53:00.001-06:00

So now the wedding is over. Everything I have worked for and on for the last six months has came and is history. It was a beautiful wedding and I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect! The pictures...perfect! The bridesmaids...gorgeous! The music....beautiful! The Groom....handsome and loving and perfect!
The day began with me a nervous wreck! My groom was nervous and anxious and stressing. Haha! We had everyone there on time.....all except for one groomsman...my best guy friend Cody. His alarm clock didn't go off in time and he was very late getting there. I was freaking out in my little room. I was constantly asking someone if he was here yet....haha! Thanks Cody for the scare of a lifetime!
Everyone got there and pictures went off flawlessly! It was close to two o'clock and I was getting nervous but at the same time I couldn't wait to get to the end of the aisle to my groom! I asked someone for a time check and it was literally two minutes until! My heart was beating out of my chest! So we line up outside the doors, The music begins to play and my girls walk out...one by one. Gracefully, beautifully; they couldn't have been any prettier! Honestly!
They close the doors so I can get situated! But the door wont close all the way....the music for me starts and they have to just throw the door open for me! I see his jaw drop. He just stares at me. There are no words for how I felt at that moment. No one else existed, just me and him!
The music was perfect! Not a flaw. The ceremony went perfectly....well all accept for the fact that for the first half of the vows my husband said his vows to the preacher and not directly to me...hehe! I kept whispering for him to look at me...he never caught on...well finally he did! Haha! That's what memories are made of!
The best most perfect thing in the whole ceremony was when he kissed me for the first time as his wife! He...well....it was just perfect....yup...no words to describe it!
The pronounced us husband and wife and we exited the building! Now the fun stuff begins! We thought we would have time to enjoy to the party! We try to eat but we have to go take a zillion pictures! HAHA well maybe not that any but we did take close to four hundred! We get two bites of soup...one bite of cake....and oh yeah...MORE pictures! hehe! I would have been more upset but the pictures are my memories and I certainly don't want to forget ONE thing!
In the end something I learned is that there is no reason to stress over everything...it's all gonna work out in the end. Maybe not exactly how you planned it but later on you will look back and see it was perfect anyways! Also no matter what happened that day I still got to marry my best friend! I know our marriage will have its good times and bad times but God will show us the way! I can't believe this is my first blog as a married woman! I am sure I will have a zillion adventures to share with you lovely people! Thanks for the prayers and blessings that have been sent my way! They are appreciated more than you will ever know!

GOOD EXCITING FANTABULOUS NEWS!!!

2010-10-07T19:28:00.002-05:00

So today Dad and I went to go look at a trailer...honestly I wanted so badly for it to be the "one". We have looked at so many and with the wedding less than two months away...well let's just say my stress levels were pretty darn high! I mean AGH! So anyways I called the guy before drove over there to see if he still had and YES he did. He did say that people were coming tonight to look at it. "Crap," I thought, "What if I like it and we can't get it because we don't have the money??" I reminded myself of when I bought my car and God provided....not when I wanted it but definitely when I needed it!
We pull up and I am like God please please please give us a direction! We look at it thoroughly inside and out and up and down and dad gives me this it's an alright place look and then asks me what I think about it. I said I like it and he then says well do you want to get it? What do you think Tracy will think about it... I was like well he don't really care as long as we have somewhere to live. lol! Sad but true! haha! so Dad tells the guy that we will buy it!! So now I am a proud owner of a small but workable trailer! I can't wait to get it moved over here and get it cleaned and moved into!!
So thank you for sharing in my joyous day!!!!

UGH!!!

2010-10-05T23:27:00.002-05:00

Frustations!! Frustrations!! ARGH! Everyone and everything is irritating me! This could be in part because of all the wedding stress and house planning....and ugh....it's stressing me out!!!! Or it could be in part to the fact that I only got three hours sleep last night because I had to be to work at four this morning and that means that I actually had to wake up between two thirty and three a.m. Yes life sucks!! It would be a lot easier if people would just realize that I am only one person and I can only do so much....
I know this mini blog quickly turned into a rant session but it is the truth. This wedding. This blessed event. MY fairytale! How quickly it has turned into a day for everybody else. Money is tight. Friends are fighting. My Fiance is upset because I can't give him enough time.....ugh I'm going to Mexico....see ya in a week :)

A Zillion Forevers At Least!!

2010-10-04T01:00:00.002-05:00

So I know it has been almost six months since I have posted anything on here but I have been super busy and I am fixing to tell ya'll why!
That guy I kept telling ya'll about. The one that stuck around and waited on me during my six months...well in June...HE PROPOSED!!! I couldn't believe it. Here just a few short months before I was crying and heartbroken...feeling like somehow God was ignoring my hearts desire for a family of my own and now I type this with a rejoicing and happy heart! God truly is amazing and He is the ONLY one who deserves my praise!
So in July, Mom ( Check her blog out at onesingleminute.blogspot.com) and I went and picked out a BEAUTIFUL wedding dress and veil...I will put pictures up as soon as the wedding is over...I can't post them now as Future Hubby reads my blogs regularly! We also had a day in July that was spent with Grandmothers and Aunts and Bridal Party...having brunch and trying on my dress truly was a beautiful and fun thing!
August brought premarital counseling sessions and at the end of the month a much needed week long vacation to the beach!! It was so amazing to get to spend a week with my family. Just hanging out and chilling with them. That is something we don't get to do very often.
September.....my how that month did fly by! I purchased many items for the wedding...and my future house! God sent me the perfect photographer and I can't wait to get the chance to work with her! Besides working full time I can't say that I did too much in September....funny now that October is here I am wishing I had!
October...WHERE DID IT COME FROM! This year is not supposed to be almost over! This month is so full of so many fun wedding things! The thing coming up the fastest would be my engagement pictures session! I can't wait! I have a shower towards the end of the month....counseling again and then my church is putting on a Judgement house...which of course I am helping with! I have to send out invitations. Thank you cards. Start packing my room and I still work FULL TIME! SHEW! I am wearing myself out just thinking about it! I can't believe that two months from today is my wedding! Something I have waited my whole life for and it will get here faster than Christmas! lol! Even though I am busy I am truly enjoying every minute of it! If you are reading this I ask that you take a minute to stop and say a prayer. Say it for me and everything that is keeping my life so busy right now! Pray for my Fiance that he would feel confident stepping into the role as head of our house! Pray for my parents as we know that this holiday season will be the last one with me at home. Life as we know it is fixing to change! I can't wait to share it with whoever will listen!

Thank you for all your support! And if you are reading this...thank you for taking the time out of your day to share in my life! You will never know how much I appreciate it!!

Today

2010-04-05T18:37:00.001-05:00

This post is completely fictional and from a males perspective.....

Today it finally hit me that she don't really miss me. I've been waiting for the phone to ring. I kept hoping that somewhere along the way she would realize she couldn't live without me and that no one else would complete her the way that only I can.

She says she has moved on but I kept hoping that there was a hint of doubt in her voice. Some degree of regret that I couldn't yet find. Every night I kept hoping she wouldn't show up in my dreams. That I could have one night of peace and silence. That I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat feeling her ghost breathing down my back.

She says she has found someone new. That she is going to marry him someday. I thought maybe it was just puppy love. I thought it would pass. That she would remember what we had. That it would over power her feelings for him. What we had was brief and stunning. It was like fireworks in the park on a hot and humid fourth of July night....fast, breathtaking, and over in the blink of an eye. Why does she act like we never existed? We live in the same town, sooner or later it was bound to happen that we would run in to each other. So why do I feel like when I get this short moment of glory I'm supposed to run the other direction?? I miss her. The way she used to listen to me. The way she scrunches her nose up when she laughs at my jokes. I miss the way she felt all wrapped up in my arms; small and safe. The way her hair smelled. The way her kiss tasted; soft and sweet. Yes I dream. I dream of what we used to have. I dream of her coming back to me. I dream of all these things and more.

But today I woke up. Today I realized she isn't coming back. Today I realized she no longer sees me the way I still see her. She doesn't see the amazing thing that we could be. Instead of wasting her time pining over something that would never be she has moved on. Found the person that completes her. She is accomplishing the one and only thing I wish I could do; moving on. Forgetting her. The very memory of her. Instead I stand here. Heart in hands. Shattered and bleeding. And the funny thing is....she doesn't even know...because today I realized she never even missed me at all.

The Monster Within

2010-03-28T16:07:00.000-05:00

So I know I screwed up. Yelling seems to be the only way sometimes that I know how to get it out. I know that it is not the biblical way, nor is it the mature way but sometimes when I feel like no one is listening it is the only way to get my voice heard.

Am I that invisible?? What makes me resort to that kind of outburst?? It doesn't accomplish anything except hurt others... hurt myself. How do I change this pattern I am in? Can I change it? How can I change this evil thing that crawls around inside of me waiting on the next time it can emerge and devour its next unsuspecting victim. The monster is alive and if left unchecked it will take over my very being. I hate this thing that is inside of me. This thing whispers in my ears of the lives that it has already taken over. The friendships that ceased because of the control he has over them. It tells of spouses who once would give their lives for each other now not speaking because one spouses monster devoured the hopes and dreams of their partner. "Yes, and one day I will get you too. It is just a matter of time," he replies with a slight wink and nod of the head.

I shudder to think that this same fate lies ahead of me. What will it take to fight off this beast??? Will it take some special power? And that is when I realize it is going to take something bigger then me. Something I do not have in my own power. Something that I am not sure that I can find.

Then I hear this whisper...soft...gentle. So much softer and quieter then the monster. Sometimes I don't know how I ever heard it. It whispered in my ear that it had the answer I was so desperately seeking. I hungered for more of this voice for reasons that I can't explain. The more I sought for this humble voice the stronger it got. The quieter the monster got. The more the monster in me became powerless. I sought for the book this voice told me would cure my problems. I didn't stop day or night until I found it. See this precious book was written by the voice itself. No longer would the voice by itself do. I needed everything I could get my hands on! I finally found this sacred book. I started reading the pages and stories that this book held. I devoured it. Every last bit of it I committed to memory.

Suddenly I realized that I was no longer hearing the voice of the monster at all any more. I asked the other voice why that was. His gentle reply was this....." My child....in all the time when the monster was consuming you it was because you were feeding it. You wasn't looking for Me. You didn't see your need for Me. When you finally heard My voice it was because you were deliberately searching for Me. You were tired of the everyday. You wanted something different. You were listening when I spoke. Not many people look for Me that hard, but when they do I NEVER let them down. I will never fail you. I never leave My children."

Suddenly I understood. It was right before me. It always had been. I just wasn't looking in the right spots. Now I had the ammunition to defeat the monster. I had the Father who would never leave my side. I had the joy to take my life completely to another level. I had the answers to the questions I had been asking and I would know where to look next time the monster tried to rear it's ugly head!!!

My Six Month Dating Fast...Coming to an End

2010-02-08T11:02:00.001-06:00

So in fifteen days my six months will be a memory of the past. I wish I had written more during it to give ya'll a feeling of what it was like living through this. I guess I will try to give you an idea in this blog. This past six months has been enlightening in ways I never even thought possible! I have had to give up friends that I thought I would never lose. And God has put new friends in my path to strengthen me and support me along this journey!

When I started this, SO very many people were against me. They had their lists of reasons as to why Beth would never be able to finish this task. I knew they talked about it and snickered behind my back.

"Oh she'll never be able to do that....ALLLL she thinks about is boys!"

"She will do something stupid halfway through...but that's just MY prediction!"

Things like that did hurt...but, being stubborn like my mother, they made me want to press on all the more! About a month into this I was starting to feel a little set free from my previous stero type of the "boy crazed teenager", and that's when God opened another door!!!!

In September a very special friend of mine was going through a ruff spot with his girlfriend of almost a year. Me and him had always been very close! I must say I had also struggled with feelings for him for a very long time! A couple weeks after the problems started in their relationship, they broke up. Secretly I rejoiced! (Haha don't act like you haven't been there too!) He called me one day and needed a friend to talk to. I invited him up to dinner. (With the parentals too mind you!) We talked for what seemed like hours. He confessed that he had been struggling with feelings for me too! My heart SOARED!!!....and then sank....What guy would wait around another five months?? I mean it's not like I'm a super model...it's not like I'm a super Christian. I'm just me. And me didn't seem good enough to have anyone wait on her! I told him about my six months and why I was doing it. I told him that I would pray about us in the future! I told him if he really felt like God was putting us together then he would be right here waiting on me when my six months was over. And guess what!!!.......He is still in my life. We have spent the last five months become better and better friends. We have continued to pray for God's will in our life. We have sought Godly council in my parents. We really have a burning desire to be so different from the "dating" couples we see every day! So as I rejoice in this season of my life that is fixing to happen I ask that you pray for strength for me and him. Pray that we wouldn't succumb to the temptations that so many of my dear friends have fallen prey to! Pray that we could use our relationship as a testimony to the power of waiting and seeking God's will!

So this season of life has been an amazing ride. Hands down I would do it again! I have learned so much! Came so far and I can't wait to see what God has in store for me later on down the road. I want to help someone. Even if it is only one person! I want to tell them that God does care about their dating relationships and He DOES want their time and attention! He wants to restore what the enemy has destroyed or taken away! He wants to heal their broken heart! He can and will if they will just give it over to Him! Praise God!

Christmas?? New Years?? Where Has The Year Gone?

2009-12-26T22:16:00.002-06:00

So here I sit. Less then a week until New Years. Christmas over and gone. Where has this year gone? I just got home from my Granny's house and a GREAT time with all my CRAZY aunts and uncles. My granny's house is too small....and my family to large but that's what makes it so amazingly fun!!! :)
So last night as I lay there trying to go to sleep....drifting off between wakefullness and dream world....I started thinking about how fast this year has gone. How many drama filled moments that I have endured. How really truly it didn't even feel like Christmas. How is that possible?? Christmas is already over and I don't even feel like it has begun. I layed there and started crying, How is it possible that at 18 my life is soooooo much more rushed and stressfull then when my parents were that age? Is it because society has made it so? Or does the generation of my parents feel like they missed out on something....so much so that they force this way of life on us just so we don't "miss out" but in the end we miss all the really important things? This killed me as I lay there pondering.
I don't know what happened this year to give me these feelings. Perhaps its the stress at work. Maybe it was because I was single this year. What ever the reason I vowed silently to myself that next year will change. How you might ask? Well see most people make New Year's resolutions. The resolve to not do something they did the year before or to start doing something they didn't. Sadly most of these "Resolutions" never make it past the 12th of January. This year I'm not making any resolutions. I'm not making any promises I can't keep. I'm making so detrimental descisions for myself that will better the Beth that is. I'm gonna give them to you now....lol it's just a typical teenage girls list....prepare to be amused.....

1. Continue Getting Closer To God: This past six months has been a crazy journey. One filled with sorrow and joy...loss and gain....failures and hopes. I've found who I am...I found who I belong with... God is so good to me. On February 23rd at 6 p.m. My official six months is over. Most of all I would like to move forward. Take the things that I have learned and hold tightly to them. I want them to be my biggest testimony and lesson learned. Much prayer is going into this as it will continue to do!! Thank you so much!!!

2. Draw closer to my family: I know my time with all my family so close to me is drawing to a close. One way or another it won't be long and I'll be on my "own". I don't want to sit back and waste the time that I have with them....I'll NEVER be able to get it back!

3. Lose Weight...Get Heart Healthy: for way to long now I've carried extra weight on my physically that is damaging my heart. I don't take care of this temple that God has blessed me with. I want to do the best I can to make sure that I am around for a VERY long time. I want to have confidence in myself. Not cockiness just be able have fun and not worry about it any more. Thankfully this time I have a definete game plan. I have a work out...... weight loss....prayer and support buddy. She is one of my biggest cheerleaders and my BEST friend! I can't wait to begin this journey with her and see us through to the finish line!!!

4. Learn To Budget Money Wisely: This one is self explanatory!

Thanks for listening to my rambles....I'm sure I'll have plenty more to post in the days to come :)

Love You Guys! Happy New Year!

Update on Six Month Promise!!

2009-10-24T19:54:00.001-05:00

Relationships....that's why I started this whole no dating for six months thing. Isn't it?? Well I thought I knew the answer.
My dating life was...well...at the point sucking when I made this decision back in August. I was in a weird spot with one guy....missing another....and not having any clue what I wanted out of my life. So God gently leads me to giving Him six months to get closer to Him. To see HIS will for this season in my life. To heal my broken and shattered heart. Yes this was going to be a great season in my life indeed!! :)
So now I am two months and one day into this. I have had moments of up and moments of sheer despair. I know this seems like a dramatic post but please just stay with me....
God has cleared up parts of my life...like my calling..I was seeking it sooooo desperately not realizing that God had already revealed it to me and I was ashamed of it. So i am only going to say this once...cause I'm really quite tired of repeating if you want me to be honest.... I feel that my calling in life...my job to do.......... is to be a stay at home wife and mom...raise my family...be my husbands helpmeet and the things that go with it. Now I know in todays society this "job" might be frowned upon or not considered important. I don't know why this desire has been put into my heart but it has and has been there for a long time I've just been denying it.
So problem one was taken care of. Onto the whole dating scenario...I'm not dating anyone despite popular belief. I do however believe that God's has revealed my life partner to me. I have been praying about this as has the guy that God has placed in my life. This guy is being very respectful and letting me fulfill my promise to God. For this I am very thankful! Not many guys would be this suportive or wait so patiently. My parents are also praying with us and I am seeking their counsel and support...Any questions about this particular situation can be directed to me personally...lol!! This is a subject I am most eager to talk about!! ;)
My broken heart is being mended one day at a time. Some of the things I have had to get over have been very heartbreaking and lonely. Some things that I have had to deal with have shown me just how foolish and naive I really was. I let people walk over my heart and rob me of things that I regret giving them. I'm not saying that I too am not to blame for these things I am just stating a fact. Realizing these things have made me feel stupid and I have had alot of apologizing to do to my parents. I see now that things I once felt were life and death are really not worth my time.
There is so much more that I have learned but it would take me a novel to write it all down...lol!!
Yes this has been a trying season in my life but it's worth it all every step of the way!! :)

Santa Believes Do You??

2009-09-18T18:20:00.001-05:00

So this week I've been on vacation in Pigeon Forge.Today we went to a store that sells a ton of Christmas decorations. We were walking through the isles and hallways of Santa Clauses and snowmen..... we reached a display with a santa claus figure bowing, hat in hand before a baby Jesus laying in a manger. I cant describe how beautiful this little figure was. Chill bumps literally erupted on my arm. I know that sounds stupid but it was beautiful. And it got me to thinking.. santa clause believes do we? Santa...an icon... a celebrity of sorts. Little kids..worship him...look up to him. How do we let our little ones know that while santa is sweet but not the true reason for the season. The true reason for the season was wrapped up in that blanket...laying in that manager. That beautiful perfect baby boy. A baby that held so much in a future that most people knew nothing about. He came to save us from our sin that we ourselves could not get out of. This week i have had people tell me im too Jesus freak for them...to radical...well thats okay by me. If my life makes sense to an unbeliever than im not living my life like i should. Think about it...... So im gonna leave you with this question...Santa believes....do you??

Waiting For My Breakthrough!!

2009-09-18T18:19:00.001-05:00

Soooo.... I could lie and say today has been a fantastic day. I could lie and say that my life is going exactly like I want it to. I could lie and say that I haven't cried today....but that is what they would be...lies. I promise that not every time I blog it will be said but today was not a good day. I spent most of the day at Princeton hospital in Birmingham with my mom and her family while my grandfather had an arteiorgram done. They though they were gonna do surgery today so that's why me and the fam were up there. They decided to not do the surgery today so we just sat there all day basically for nothing. Church tonight was good although some people in our class seemed to have some anger towards God and I really felt quite helpless sitting there....I didn't have any answers to give to their questions. Tonight was lonely. I am about four days into my dating God thing and to tell you the truth....I knew this wouldn't be easy but I guess i figured in doing this for God,He would at least.....well yeah I guess I figured He would make certain aspects of my life easier....today I have felt more alone and abandoned then ever.... I have felt stupid and naive. The world has openly mocked me for what I'm doing and I certainly don't see the humor.... i really dont have alot to say about today....if youre reading this;keep me in your prayers. Im not gonna back down and let satan win.... thats what he wants and he is NOT going to get victory in me. Just pray that i listen for Gods still small voice and i learn to lean not on my own understanding but in all my ways acknowledge Him!!! love and peace!

This Point In My Life.....

2009-09-18T18:18:00.001-05:00

As of sunday August 23 2009 I gave over the next six months totally and completely to God. More specifically the dating aspect of my life. Yes you read that right...I, Beth Willis gave six months of my teenage years over too....SINGLENESS!!!!!! For those of you who don't know me all that well let me clarify.... I have not been single for any extended length of time since i was 14. The thought of being alone petrifies me! Why am i doing this you ask?? Well I'd being lying if I said I havent asked myself that same question. Part of me would like to say that I'm giving this to God to make something magnificant out of me and yes that would be part of the reason. But i think the most prominent reason is because all I have left of my heart is broken shards and tiny pieces. I made a horrible mess out of the beautiful heart that God entrusted me with and i've came back to my Father pieces in hand asking Him to glue it back together again. When I was a little girl any time anything was broken i would take it too my dad...he could fix it. No matter if i was the one who had broken it...my daddy could fix it. I had faith that he loved me..even though he might fuss about the mesa i had caused or the value of the thing i had broken when he saw the tears in my eyes and knew i had done everything else i could to fix it he would take the pieces from me and glue them back together again. My daddy would fix it. I liken God to my dad. Everytime i mess up. Even when im the one who got me into this mess i know i can come crawling back up to Him...with the pieces of my heart in hand and i know He can fix it. Just like when i would have to admit to my dad though that i had been the one to break the item..i would look down to see little cuts on my hands. It wasnt totally painless for me. I know that in bringing God the shards of my heart it will hurt but i know if i put my faith in Him and His plan...then He can make my heart like new once again....happy in the peace of knowing...My Daddy fixed it! And what He fixes,stays fixed!!! :)

Soooo.....

2009-09-18T18:16:00.002-05:00

I am gonna post some blogs that I have put on my Myspace a couple of weeks ago....After I get those posted I am gonna post a brand new blog that catches you up to where I am now.
Thanks For Reading!!

Fair Weather Christians

2009-07-10T17:29:00.001-05:00

So like most of the people who have followed my blog for any length of time you prolly know that I blog the most when I need to vent....well buddies I'm perplexed to say the least!
I have some true desires in my heart that I have wanted to see come to pass for soooooo long! Some of my desires are for myself...things I feel God has placed in my heart and will bring me when the time is right. Some of my desires are for my friends...things I know that they are burdened for! And last but most certainly not least...some of my desires are for the Body Of Christ as a whole! I feel in many ways we may have missed the mark....
Lately God has shown me so very many things. When Chris broke up with me I thought I would never be happy again or at least not depressed. I was feeling very low and anxious. I felt like there was something sitting on my shoulder telling me that I had no hope and that my life had "peaked" and was going downhill from here. I know now that was just satan trying to keep me from trusting God and gaining back the hope that I had lost. satan had stolen my joy! I felt so alone and helpless. I was exaughsted fighting satan off and I was losing! One night I was talking to my parents about how I felt. Everything I said to them made sense in my head but when I would speak it out loud I sounded as though I was seriously losing it!!! As I lay in bed that night I felt totally and completely defeated! I couldn't keep living like this! I prayed and begged God to take away this anxious feeling and to realease me from this bondage I felt satan had put me into. As I prayed that I felt God gently tell me that He had been waiting to take it from but I had to come to Him and give to Him. To lay it down at His feet and LEAVE it there. I knew this was the only way to recieve the peace I had been longing for. Immeadiatly I felt this peace fall on me and I no longer felt that anxious feeling. My thoughts had silenced and I could sleep. Through out the next few days that followed I felt God showing me that I didn't need to know the plan to follow. Just follow where He leads me...the results are up to Him. Wow how freeing my life had become!!! (Praise God!)
I feel like so much of my life has been spent wasted on meaningless things. I want to seek God harder! To look deeper....to be the "Jesus Freak" He CREATED me to be! I want to see lives changed!! Flipped upside down!!! I'm having a hard time accepting the things of this world now and I feel like we as Christians have truly failed this world! What kind of an example are we leaving with people? I'm not trying to judge but I feel like it is time that we as Christians quit acting like worldly humans and really start acting like God is real and SHOW Him to others! Quit leading people in worship to a worthy God and on the weekends drink achohol like non christians and mess around with our boyfriend/girlfriends. Paul tells us to live in such a way that our lives could be a silent witness to an unbeliever. How can I do that if I am cussing under my breath all the time and constantly talking and acting out with such a lust that burns so much??? How do we...How CAN we justify that and call our lives Godly? We are to be so set apart that people think us wierd and that our lives bring so much conviction to an unbeliever that they hate us for that very reason!
It's my time to step out on faith and on the convictions that God placed in my life the moment I became His! It's time we quit being desensitized to the things that seem so harmless and aren't! Like the preacher said at the church we went to sunday...It is time we step out and be that GREAT GENERATION! It is time that we step in to our callings and start acting like we believe what we preach to so many others. That we stop being a distraction and point people to the only One that can calm all our fears and give us a renewed sense of purpose! Please feel free to comment!! I love to read your opinions!!!! Please search for yourself and see that time is short and we need to be focused now before it is to late!!
In His Love,
Beth

Here's An Update

2009-07-10T17:28:00.000-05:00

I know it's been like a million forevers since I have blogged about anything. To tell you the truth I haven't wanted to and I really haven't had anything to say! Surprising I know! These last few weeks have been hard! My boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me....No sympathy needed. God is directing my path and my footsteps and leading me down a new path that He has for me! I graduated in May and to tell you the truth I thought I had my whole life planned out for me. I knew what I was going to do and I had a plan. God just smiled and said, "My child why do you plan for a future you are not even guaranteed that you are going to have? Your plans are in MY hands." Wow! With that I have spent a ton of time in prayer and seeking God out. Maybe that is why all of this has happened...to show me that I don't have it all figured out and my plans are better off left in my Saviors hands!
After graduation I have had alot of people ask me what I am going to do. I usually....sheepishly...reply with an I don't know and I'm letting God lead. I have had numerous people tell me that I have to go to college to make something of myself. I need a career to be fullfilled. I prayed and asked God if that was true, if the dreams that I have been holding to so long were just that...dreams...childish unattainable dreams. He softly replied...."I put those dreams in your heart so how can they be foolish? If I put them there they ARE attainable! Don't limit me to the "Normal" that so many people think I am!" I used to be ashamed of my wants and desires for my life. I labeled them as "Old-Fashioned" and "boring" thinking that that was how the WHOLE world percieved it.
What's my dream for my life you may ask? I simply want to find the one God ordained for me at the beginning of time...I want to have a family and raise them up to be good, God fearing and people loving individuals. I want to be the one that is there for my kids and wants a relationship with them. I want to listen to their fears and hopes. I want to support my husband and be his helpmeet. I want to encourage my whole family and strive to follow what I feel is the path God intended for us to follow.
I want to ask so many of those career minded women if they are content in their life. If they feel FULLY and COMPLETLY satisfied. I believe I can only be satisfied when I am in God's will doing it the way God said to do it. Only then can God use me fully. I'm not saying that it's a sin to work if your female, but I believe that a womens place is in the home. Taking care of and nurturing her family.
Thanks for listening to my rants and leave comments! I would love to hear from other people!

I Have To Listen To Him???!!! Part 2

2009-05-13T10:19:00.001-05:00

So after my last blog on submission there has been much confusion and many different opinions. Some have enlightened me and shown me my error....where others just made me dig deeper into my Bible in search of the truth. I write for two blogs..one is located on my Myspace, while the other is my blogspot. On my blogspot I had a lady read my blog and she really gave me some things to think about. Her husband is in the Navy and is away alot. She is the main "leader" in her house hold. I applaud her for that! She is much stronger than I could be! She can't ask her husband about every little thing that goes on in her day. I would like to say that I think she is on the right track. I believe she loves God and She loves her husband and is seeking God's will in her life.
With that being said I think that if you live in a quote "Normal" marriage then the Bible is the ONLY way to go! I have had some people point out that my blogs make it seem like I am talking about all guy girl relationships. I am mainly talking about marriage relationships but I would like to pose a question to all dating couples...if the person your dating now is acting a certain way it is a VERY good bet that they will not change their ways just because you marry them. People....humans...are creatures of habit anything taught to us or picked up along the way will more than likely stick with us for years to come.
I would like to point out some scriptures that I have found that might enlighten you the way they enlightened me....
One of them comes from Ephesians 5:22-30 NLT. This scripture tells that women are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord. I believe that is the part that many people try to discuss. I think that as long as your husband is not asking to do something that God would consider bad or a sin then you are to obey him. That means with out grumbling...without griping...and...*GASP* with out back talking! This is not an easy task to accomplish...I assure you...Why do I know this you ask? In Genesis 3:16 God told Adam and Eve that Man would have authority over woman, yet she would always desire to rule over him! WOW! That sounds like our society now!
Another scripture I have located is...Colossians 3:18-19. Again we see an almost replay of our earlier scriptures. It says that women are to submit to their husbands but this time it says ..."as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord..." NLT. That means that although it is NEVER easy to listen to someone and obey them it is easier for those who know that it is their duty in the Lord. Also Paul says again that men are to ...."Love their wives and never treat them harshly...."NLT.
Another one is in 1 Peter 3:1-2 states it a little differently. It says that if women obey their husbands then even if their husbands are not Christians then they might be won over by the wife's attitude and spirit.
My last scripture that i am going to write today is out of 1Timothy2:11-13 it deals more closely with how we as women are to behave in our worship. We are to learn quietly and submissively. Women are not to teach men and they are to listen quietly.
So with that scripture all being used I would like to give a quick definition as to what exactly SUBMISSION is. I am taking my definition out of Webster's American Family Dictionary. The word Submission means 1.The act or instance of submitting 2.The condition of having submitted 3.Submissive conduct or attitude 4.something submitted,as for consideration.
SUBMIT means 1.to give over or to YIELD TO the power or authority of another..
So with those definitions I am going to give a "Beth" paraphrase while using the definition for submit instead of the word. I'm going to use the scripture out of Colossians 3:18 NLT........"Wives, Give over and Yield to the power and authority of you husbands. as is fitting for those who love the Lord....." Wow when we put it in those words it doesn't leave much to argue. I know that it seems a little extreme but something I have found to be extremely true in my life is that when I follow the rules God has set out for me life is so much easier! One last example I am going to leave you with. Look at marriage as a Dance. One person usually leads and one person has to follow the one who is leading. If the one following decides to lead but the one leading is doing their job and continueing to lead then they will move different directions and stumbling over each other. They will blame each other and eventually they will stop dancing. But if the one who leads...leads...and the one who is to follow....follows then all will be as it should be and they will dance through life bringing glory to God all the while!

2009-05-04T17:56:00.001-05:00

Evry second of our lives is precious so remember these suggestions & ul go far.Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Dnt 4get ne1 who meant nethng to you. Dnt regret nethng tht made u smile.keep ur faith & live like a saint but evry once n a while its ok 2 hve fun & break the rules but just make sure its worth it.give ur best @ evrythng u do but dnt stress ovr nethng 2 much. Whn ppl try 2 strt stuff with you skip the dramma & dnt give them ne satisfaction of making u upset just joke it off. Laugh as much as you breathe. Love as long as live. & live evryday 2 its fullest. Because yestrdays gone, 2days almost over & tomorrow isnt promised.

Whoa SLOW DOWN!

2009-05-04T10:03:00.000-05:00

So I am definetley NOT wired like my mom....I can't just write about what ever comes to mind. For me God or anger usually fuels my blogging expeditions. Well tonight would have to be considered under the God category.
I am going through some major spiritual changes. God has been asking me to give up things I never thought I would have to give Him. God has placed some amazing women of God in my path to lead me and answer the many questions I seem to have lately. God has shown me just how many ways I have been wrong. Not just in my actions and life but also in my way of thinking. So many, many times I doubt God. I say that my "Problems" are SO "Big" that God can just not handle them without my input and eventually I just take the problem back into my hands. I place God in this box and limit Him.... How foolish I am.....How foolish I have become.
The other day I was in a store with my mom and one of my spiritual compasses. I picked up a book and she said "That is really dark stuff..." I laughed it off and was like...she doesn't have a clue...it's harmless entertainment. Later that night God was working in me to reveal how yet again I had become so "SELF-sufficient". I did nothing that night but justify my reading this book. The next day I looked down to see that book again and I felt the strings of my heart do a little tug. I'll handle it later I thought. I went to Biblestudy that night and when I got home and saw that book in the floor I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to get EVERYTHING that I could see was un-godly OUT of that room. I started throwing books in a basket to get rid of. I'm not done yet there is MORE to get rid of but it was a GREAT start.
I'm at this point in my life when I am looking at all my peers and going I DON'T want to end up like that. Rushing through life to get to the next point, to get to the next point to die.....how awefull! Looking at the stars tonight I was wondering about God and just why He is letting this world still be. I mean if I was God I would just zap everyone now and just get some peace and quiet. Thankfully I'm not God! I just don't understand why for us as humans it is so hard to believe that there really is a God who loves us and is so powerful that He can do whatever He sees fit! I am trying so hard to strive to be more like Him daily. To let HIM be my moral compass and to let whatever is in HIS word guide me. Why then does it seem that I can't find people who want to let Him be their guide? People want the "Fire Insurance" type salvation. Ya know what I'm talking about.....YAY I'm saved.....I'm not going to hell....but God there is no way I'm letting you have any say in my life and what I do. People tell other people that they are so sold out for God but then they turn around bad mouth others...and worse yet....laugh at unbelievers, because of their ignorance! I don't get it. Where we do turn around and say NO!? Enough is enough! Wow where do we stop and just be for a little while? Where do we just sit in the silence and let God speak to us in whatever way HE wills? Why do we keep running through life? Wasting it on the most trivial of things! I for one don't want to see my life pass by like that! I want to help people! To make a difference! To follow my God WHEREVER HE leads me! And every now and then take a break just to stop and enjoy the scenery!

2009-04-29T23:17:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about the little things I take for granted. Every morning when I wake up I'm faced with alot of choices. What to wear out of my closet full of clothes.What to eat, what I'm going to do with my day.I'm in my shower listening to my radio and using clean water not just to drink but to bathe with too! I was asking myself the other day why God blessed me to live in this wonderful country instead of somewhere where I struggle to survive. God in glory saw fit ti bless me even before I was born. Just some wonderful thoughts to ponder!! Psalms 121:7-8

I Have To Listen To Him???!!!!

2009-04-27T13:41:00.001-05:00

The other night in youth group we were studying out of 1 Corinthians 14:33-40. It started off as any other night would. Tons of teenagers loudly coming down to the basement of our church and fighting over who could sit on the couch. (Luckily I had found my seat on the couch earlier so I didn't have to defend it! =) ) Our youth pastor calms everyone down and we all go through and give our prayer requests. We pray and as we look up our youth pastor tells everyone to open their Bibles to 1 Corinthians. He cringes and sadly I do to thinking about where tonights scripture will take our conversation.
You see In 1 Corinthians 14:34 it talks about women staying silent in the church and asking their husbands questions only when they get home. in my life I have been brought up that submission is called for in a Godly relationship. I am NOT saying that my parents have EVER said that it was okay for a man to abuse that and beat his wife or treat her demeaningly. No I am saying that in a God Fearing...Truly seeking God relationship the man will treat his wife with utter respect and love his wife the way Christ loved the church! Wow! Christ loved the church so much He gave His LIFE for it! BUT at the same time the wife is to at ALL times respect and....obey her husband. I know that this scripture is debated much in churches but I would like to pose a question to you. If the Bible says to not kill somebody...we dont do it...do we? SO with that being said...if the Bible says for wives to OBEY their husbands then we should...no questions asked. So in discussing this in youth group there were many variated ideas as to what this scripture meant. The guys in the class tended to not discuss this part of scripture they discussed the ending to the chapter.(Wise Decision Boys! :) ) Why is this such a touchy subject. Why doesn't it just come naturally for women to submit to their husbands? Well I think that alot of women fear that they will lose their voice if they submit and actually let their husbands make the decisions. I however think that it makes life easier. No not to give up control...no thats not easy....matter of fact in Genesis 3:16 God made it so that the man had authority over the woman. Also though in the husband being the leader of the family HE is the one who will have to answer to God for how he has lead his family. The wife won't have to answer for that because that is not their responsibility. We WILL answer however for how we behave in our role and how when called to be submissive...were we? Borrowing a line my mom uses all the time to sum all this up... The Bible Says, That Cements It, NOW...What You Gonna Do With It??

Leave A Legacy!!! That's What I Want To Do!!!!

2009-04-22T20:49:00.002-05:00

Legacy. That's a word that when I truly stop and think about it, it blows my mind away. I'm only 18 and most 18 year olds aren't thinking about leaving a legacy behind. They are worried about how they look. How much fun they are having and when they are going to the beach next. I've thought for a long time that it would be nice to leave a legacy behind for those that will come after me. Not for my benefit of course but that those after me would have inspiritation and look to something later on. There are many people in history that have left legacies and lots of them had to do something huge and change the world even for them to be remembered. Take George Washington...He was our first president. He will forever be remembered for the things he did. Everyone knows his name and he will never be forgotten. Take Anne Frank. She lived in one of the hardest times imaginable. Hiding from Hitler and His minions. In a little room that a faithful lady helped hide away! Her legacy lives on in a diary that she could have never imagined making into a book that millions of school kids read every year as part of their middle school days!
Take Rosa Parks. She knew in her heart that segregation was wrong and that indeed ALL men and women are created equal....no matter their skintone! She took a stand for what she knew was right and her name is in the history books for all to read!
What about those people that left a legacy of Christ? Their names will never be found in any textbook. Most people will not know their names or remember their faces. People like Paul....he persecuted believers for being just that....Believers. On the road to Damascus he was blinded by a light and days later when his sight returned he had a new outlook on life and became one of the greatest preachers and evangelists of ALL times!! People like Jim Elliot are not remembered here in America but have left legacies that will stand for all time. He gave his life reaching out to people who needed God's love. He never saw his dreams come true. His Wife Elisabeth Elliot went back to the peoples who murder her husband and continued to reach out to them..bringing a WHOLE tribe to knowing the love and saving grace of Jesus Christ. Billy Graham has led millions of people to Christ through crusades and missions trips to other countries. Boldly proclaiming the name of Christ in a way that all could understand. Worship Leaders like Chris Tomlin, Jeremy Camp and Matthew West have left us songs of praise that will be sung for generations to come.
Do I think that I am going to do something that will impact thousands of people...not nessaccarily. However I do think that by the way i treat people and the way that I handle things will speak volumes about myself. Helping people when they are in need and showing thems Gods love will not only bring people to Christ but perhaps through the legacies they leave my life will be worth much. I long to please God and live my life in HIS will and with His guiding hand I am weaving my way through the cloudieness and confusion that is the teenage years. I think that beginning now trying to leave a legacy now is the best way to live. When I am 99 years old and shrivled up I want to look back on my life and know that I lived it putting OTHER people first. Not just talking about Christ but SHOWING people to Him. I want to know that I lived my life with purpose and that I can die knowing that my legacy will never truly die!
*Jeremiah 29:11*

God Is A Gardener?

2009-01-28T21:54:00.000-06:00

Bearing Good Fruit....the Bible talks about it but until recently I wasn't sure what this meant.
We were studying this in youth group. We came across the word fruit and I wasn't sure what this meant. I had been brought up in churches where fruit meant how many people you led to Christ. Well if that is how my salvation is measured than I am in BIG trouble...you see I have only helped lead one person to Christ in my lifetime. If that is how it is than am I really saved? So I sucked it up and asked my youth pastor the dumbest question in history and asked..."What is fruit?".....I figured that he would reply like everyone else and tell me that somewhere along the way I had thoroughly messed up. He told me that not only was what I thinking fruit but also the fruits of the spirit....oh okay I get that now! It was so much clearer. It also says somewhere that if a branch is not bearing fruit it will be pruned. Now I am nobody with a green thumb but I do know that when my dad is out in his garden and he starts to prune things he doesn't eliminate the plant. He will only remove what is dead. He won't just cut down the plant just because it isn't doing anything now. Matter of fact he will baby the plant giving it more water and nutrients. The only reason he prunes it though is so it will grow and flourish. He wants it to do better not worse. Wow when I think about that even now I see how this relates to how God treats me! I know that these last couple of weeks have been a "pruning" experience for me. One night in my room just listening to some worship music. God was like pick up your Bible...so I did...(Never tell God no! LOL!) I started reading and before I knew it it was like 3:30 in the morning and I had been bawling my eyes out for like 2 hours! I couldn't believe how I felt. God was showing that for me to get where HE needed me so badly to be I had to cut things out of my life that were displeasing to Him. So I was like "Yeah your right God I shouldn't listen to the music I listen to. So Yeah I'll cut that out. I'll give you that" Then just like I felt before I could hear Him drawing on my heart again.."I'm happy that you gave that up but remember your righteousness is as filthy rags to Me. I want more..."
"But wait God I can't no please don't ask me too...." I still couldn't shake this feeling.."Okay God I'll give you the movies and t.v shows I watch...If it doesn't glorify You then I won't watch it at all!"...
"PSSSSTTTT...that still isn't what I want....I want ALL of you!"
"Okay God here is all I have to give.....My Books, My Magazines, My Friends, My Speech, My Boyfriend...My Family...Let everything I have be Yours! I am all Yours!"
It's amazing how when you start to give parts of your life to God , He keeps asking more of you! He wants to prune back all that is dead in me so my life that I live will SHINE for Him! I'm still being pruned I can feel it but I know that just as my dad gets rid of the bad in the garden to let it grow I know that in the summer of my salvation God will water me and the blessings will be there and I will look back and know that I have grown indeed!

Bad Kid....Again :(

2009-01-19T18:20:00.001-06:00

Wow how many times have I as a teenager looked at my parents with a disrespectful hand on my hip and an I don't care how much you think you know your retarded look? Well sadly last night my mom was trying to ask me a question and I took my attitude with her and the whole family ended up getting involved and well it wasn't very good.
So many times I have treated my family...particularly my mom...with this lack of respect. As teenagers we are taught from the time we are preteens and sometimes earlier that this is how we as children treat our parents. We are told that as long as we are basically "Good" people and mostly do what our parents tell us then we are GREAT kids. We at some point in our twentys our parents will again become the smart hero-like people that they were when we were young. Why this lapse in our society? Why in this wonderful country that we love are kids allowed to be the adults and the adults treated like they are children again? In most societys today this is accepted...however there are the exceptions. Ther are countries in which parents and even grandparents are revered and treated with the utmost of respect and kindness. They are honored for their wisdom and the "been there done that" for the life they have lived! They are taken care of and the kids are glad to repay the favor because to them it is also an honor. Why do we not behave the same way?? HHHHMMMMM.....I truly don't have an answer.....maybe we as teenagers think that for some reason our parents owe us something? Maybe we are so selfish and self-centered that we dont care who we hurt to get what we want. We see it as a mean to get to the end. When have we gotten this way? Why do we not see that it is time we change? God has really been kicking me about this and for once I don't have a smart alec response..I don't have a nugget of wisdom to share...just a sad heart and a desire for something more......
Love and Peace<3

Life Lesson's

2008-12-09T16:13:00.001-06:00

Wow..this weekend has been as long as it has been ruff.
Lesson's I Have Learned This Week:
1. Life is REALLY short!! I mean really! In the blink of an eye that's it and it is over! I have lost a friend this week! Someone that I was very lucky that I got to know. I hate that I have only known him for a short time but I am glad that we met!
2. Life is Short and it is ALWAYS Changing. As of this week my boy friend is living on his own and I can see that tougher days are ahead....not only for him but also for both of us!
3. Nothing really matters in life except the people around you! You never know how long you have with them....never be so caught up in your own life and your own day to day things that you wake up one morning all alone with no life or legacy behind you to show for it! Don't argue with people because many times your arguments won't make it past tommorrow. What then will be left behind except for some broken hearts??!!
So I guess that for my lowly 17 years I have learned some things this week and I hope that as time passes that I won't forget them...That would be even more tragic still....
I dedicate this blog In Memory of Joey Ferguson III....And to all of the Family and Friends he left behind My prayers are with you!

Hugs And Kisses

God Ordained Relationships

2008-11-10T13:05:00.001-06:00

Last night was our youth night at our church. Our drama team did a drama to She Walked Away by Barlow Girl. It was an AWESOME night! Last night we had a guy come speak to our church and he is only 17 years old. He did great. Now the cool thing about this guy is the fact that they way he dresses may make people turn their heads. He had on black clothes. Studded belts and some chains that would make most people turn their noses up and say there is NO way this kid is a preacher but believe me! He so is ordained by God! It was a great night and we even saw one kid come to Christ. So this guy and my best friend have been doing alot of talking and they feel God has brought them together for some purpose. They don't know what but they are continually seeking God out in every aspect before they jump into something. We started talking about how we both feel like God puts people together in relationships that are going to be strong not only for them but to also let them be used togther to further HIS kingdom and keep Him first, and to reach people together that they never could reach apart! This has got me to thinking about my own life. I met my boyfriend over a year ago at the church I was attending at the time. He was this extremely quiet guy who pretty much kept to himself. I had asked my youth pastor about him and my youth pastor teasingly and nicely said not to attack him the second he walked in the doors of our church. I left the guy alone...for a time. ;) Then one night at youth group I asked him to sit by me. He said sure....but then I didn't have anything interesting to say so I stayed quiet for the most part. I had been burned really bad in two previous relationships and I had learned that God needed say in this area of my life as much if not more than other areas. I prayed for a couple of weeks and talked to my mom about what I felt God was saying. I wasn't sure if this guy was here to stay or if he was only here for a little while, but God told me to let Him (God) lead and I knew I wouldn't have my heart broken again. So bravely I waited for this guy to ride in and say that I was the one he had been searching all his life for and he couldn't live without me! LOL!! How funny all this seems now! Matter of fact the opposite of that happened. He told me that he wasn't sure what was going on in his life and there was someone else...he had to think about alot! UGH!! I was so mad at him and at God....What was the deal?? But still something in my mind said give me a chance. I said that I would work things out for MY good! So I kept praying. I knew that no matter what God had me in His hands. And yes to make a long story short this guy decided that we were the best idea and we began dating. We have been through several hard periods but I still hold on to the fact that God is in control just like He told me He was! Yeah I feel like God ordains and plans for certain people to marry certain other people to further HIS kingdom, and I also feel like I have met the one that God plans for me to be with. I know that life is not going to be easy but I just need to take the time to listen to God and let Him lead me in all of my life. If I do that then how can I go wrong?

Finding My Place In This World

2008-11-05T16:56:00.001-06:00

I was talking to some of my teenage girlfriends the other day and something very interesting happened. We were all discussing the "Trials" and "Tribulations" of being a teenage girl and although we all had very different stories to tell, something that I heard come out of all our mouths was that none of us felt beautiful. We all had things that we like but there were also just as many things (If Not MORE) that we disliked. Listening to the conversation took me back to a time in my life that I would like to forget. I lived in Colorado for 5 years in my early teenage years. To say that those years shaped my life would be an understatment. Just like every young girl I had my eyes set on this one guy who I thought was just perfect. Now to tell the story correctly I must say that I was most definetly the weirdest little girl that I have ever laid eyes on. I ALWAYS and I do mean ALWAYS wore my hair in a pony tail...I struggled to keep it from being oily. I loved my t-shirts and being a.....um....plump....little girl t-shirts always worked, add some jeans and you have me! I thought that I had a good chance of winning this guy over. The other girls always acted a little stand-offish to me but at that age who notices or cares. Sadly my little girl story doesn't have the happiest of endings. I was at youth group one night and this almost 17 year old guy and his friends where there...( I was only like 12 or 13) They had heard that I had a crush on him and thought that they would have some fun with that. I knew that another girl also had a crush on him. They came up to me and asked me if my name was Anne and I said no...that was the other girls name. They walked away laughing and I they walked away I heard one of them say... "Wow what A Dork".....that night I ripped pages out of my diary and tore them up only to regret that later on. When I got looking at what that other girl had that I didn't I could only see ONE difference...and to me that made all the difference....we looked completely different. I was a short overweight girl who always wore her hair up in a pony tail and kept it cut pretty short. She was THIN.....she had long hair and always looked what I deemed perfect. That started something in me that I will never be fully rid of! I started to diet rigorously....yo-yo dieting is what it is referred to now. I lost a little weight but i didn't think that was enough. I let my intake of food become smaller and smaller until I could skip a few meals. Then once I realized that it wasn't so bad to skip just a meal or two I tried to skip all day. I went a day and I didn't feel hungry. I went two days and nothing happened. I lost nearly five pounds in two days and that excited me! Suddenly I felt SOOOO hungry! I thought that I could eat a HORSE!!! And I then engorged myself on food. Mom just thought that I had been sick and now had my appetite back, but in reality it was so much more than that. I got on the internet to research anorexia. I knew what it was and I thought that was my ticket to winning the guy of my dreams. My mom finally wisened up. I mean how ingenius can a 12 year old be?? I let my hair grow out and still nothing happened. My mom kept a close eye on me just to make sure that I was not in any real danger and I improved. Although my health improved my outlook has always stayed the same. I have and probably always will see my self as the "Fat" girl. I still struggle with what I see in the mirror. I know that I am not perfect and I have more good days than bad now. I like what I see most days. The truth is what I am now was because I have changed to feel accepted. I live my life day by day and now minute by minute.How easy it is to fall back into that trap. I have to live in a world where my look's and my body are not accepted. I watch t.v. where they tell me that the only way to survive is to have a body that gets noticed. People judge and that's okay. I'm me and I have always been this way. It's okay with me if people think that I am the wierdo....the fact is the only reason that people judge me is because of their own insecurities. I have a friend now who by the world's standard is GEORGEOUS!! And you know what....she is beautiful on SO many different levels. Inside and out! She is herself and she is okay with that. She thinks I am okay and that works! She worries about the inside and doesn't let the world get to her. Yeah I'm okay! I like my life! My family loves me and that is what is important! Worry bout the inside and it will flow to the outside!
Hug's and Kisses......